so I can fit into my wedding dress.

…

Now if you do the math, you’ll see that in 43 days it will be Halloween…

and I’m having a Halloween Party!

I dug out my old wedding dress… the one I wore 17 years ago…

and I plan on being the corpse bride.

If I lose just a few pounds… it should fit beautifully.

I’ll scuff it up with some ashes and dirt… apply a few spiders and cobwebs

and voila… delightfully decomposing corpse bride!

I can’t wait!

Happened to me yesterday… and this isn’t the first time I’ve heard this.

I stopped to get gas before picking up my daughter from school. Usually I do this in the mornings and I send her in to pay while I pump the gas. Well yesterday when I walked in to pay for the gas, the lady behind the counter asked why I didn’t send in “our little girl”… she said that they all just love it when my daughter comes in and that she’s the sweetest most polite little girl she’s ever met. She said “you’ve done a wonderful job raising her”… I damn near cried.

Now of course I know my daughter is a beautiful person… inside and out… but to hear it from other people… it just makes my day!

I follow directions.

If I’m working for someone… and they tell me what they want… that’s what I do.

It’s their money… I’ll give them what they want.

(mind out of the gutter please… just for a moment and then you can go back)

So when I go to get my hair cut… I want it cut HOW I WANT IT!

I have had my hair for a very long time… we are very intimate.

I know every swirl and curl… I know which direction it’s gonna flip…

I know what my hair is gonna do

so listen to me when I tell you

DON’T cut the front because it will get too curly.

I said cut the back up high and angle down in the front.

That’s what I said.

I showed pictures… pointing and speaking in a clear voice

so there would be no mistake.

And what did I get?

Ugly hair… next door to a mullet…

which is LONG in back and short in front

which is the opposite of what I asked for.

It’s bad.

Very bad.

How bad?

Crazy Horse actually laughed when she saw me.

I can’t even post pics of it.

I weep.

1. I wake up, and after peeling my tongue off the roof of my mouth, I stumble to the kitchen for a glass of water. I grab one from the dishwasher and fill it with lovely cool water. I gulp it down…. mmmmmm! Then I notice that there is dried milk in the bottom of my glass… not just a skin of dried milk… a big glistening chunk of dried milk.

::gag::

I guess I forgot to turn on the dishwasher last night.

2. It’s late and I’m scrambling to get the mac and cheese made for my daughter’s lunch. She’s bugging me about clothes and Mr. C is yelling from the basement and I’m not paying attention… and dump the cheese packet into my new cup of coffee.

3. Every time… and I do mean EVERY time…. I go in to the bathroom, the damn phone rings. It just happened again. It’s almost magical. As if my urge to relieve myself is broadcast to people on airwaves and they feel the urge to call me at that very moment. fack.

4. I was feeling incredibly fat and bloated until I realised that I had put on a pair of my daughter’s underwear.

I really think I should just close the blinds, crawl back into my warm toasty bed and wait for tomorrow.

I didn’t realize how much I missed blogging. I can feel the addiction seeping back in and I’m not so sure that’s a good thing.

I don’t want to spend hours online blogging

and blog surfing

and thinking about blogging

and planning my next blog

and wondering what bloggers are doing

and mostly I don’t want to be a slave to the comments

…but…

then again

I DO want all those things.

I want it back.

This time I’ll be smarter.

yep. smarter… better… stronger… faster…

maybe I should title it the bionic blog?

Six Million Dollar Blog

Sweet Jane, blogger. A woman barely alive. Gentlemen, she can rebuild herself. She has the tech…

whoa I almost went off on a strange Sweet Jane/ Steve Austin tangent there…

Actually I did go off on that tangent but I erased it…

you’re welcome.

::sigh::

Ok I think I’m ready to blog.

Are you ready for me?

I think it has something to do with the temperature…

maybe it’s the flowers and the clouds

and the fat ripe tomatoes

and the brilliant morning sunrise…

it makes me want to blog.

Pretty foolish of me to think I could stop.

I guess I need to let the thoughts out of my head

or they just disappear never to be heard from again

they fade away

evaporate

gone

…

so here I go again.